Begend

I need a space to begin again. To simply think and write about thoughts without attempting to woo an audience, and I hope without too much self-censor as this is certainly a beastie I need to overcome. But I don't really want to say "overcome" because it implies a battle, well, at least in a way. So it's kinda' like that, but more a sort of "see through" or "move beyond" or something like that too.

Whatever it is, I feel like I really want to start writing again, which really means to start thinking again. Not that I've ever stopped thinking, but I mean thinking deeply, with creativity and passion. And I don't want to feel like I'm trying to spread something, like I need this to be shared with others. I guess I mean I simply want some space of my own, without the burden of trying to get others to understand.

And I guess there's a confession in there too, because the last time I really got into trying to reach out to others through writing and thought, well, I feel like I made lots of promises and commitments that I didn't keep. Some to myself and some to others. So there's a certain sense of guilt that goes along with expressing creative thoughts and ideas. And I'm beginning to feel that it's time to forgive myself for not being able to follow through with past projects and commitments that were connected to creative expression.

I really need to move on.

So yeah, "Begend." The beginning and the end rolled into one. The end of something brings the beginning of something else, which will in turn end to bring about something else. This is the way of things, and I want to get back to thinking about, expressing, but most of all living, "the way of things." I'm not entirely sure what that means right now--mostly with regard to the living part, but feeling a yearning to try and figure it out, yet again.

I guess this means this journal is to record some sort of journey--well mostly anyway. To rediscover and renew what currently lies mostly dormant. If I was being all artsy or whatever in my writing I'd express it like this:

Re: New
Re: Discover

And there's so much stirring in my head that I'm working on. Much of it is past works and ideas bubbling with fresh insight. I guess it makes sense that I really had to kind of die to get here. I had to end to start again. And if there isn't a whole lot of life experience that goes along with that--yuck! But see, that's part of it. The old turning shit into gold routine of alchemy. And this is what I want to get back to, to renew, to begend again, the alchemy of existence--specifically my existence as that's the only experiencing I can know--which is universal to any experiencing thing, so I'm not simply being self-centered or conceited here:

It all begends with an I.