Well, I'm back from my week away. It turns out I didn't much--read: none--time to write and think and reflect. Conditions simply did not permit these things as I hardly had any time alone, and when I did, the setting and context would not have been productive to journaling.
Of course, now that I reflect back upon it, I could have spent some of that alone time merely thinking, feeling, and poking around ideas and patterns and structures and such. Those things which I wish to refamiliarize myself, and continue to explore and write about.
It's funny. When I thought about how I had nothing really to report re: progress on what I had mentioned in my previous post, well, I had a moment or two where I thought about simply not posting here at all. Maybe even a flash of simply letting it go. But nah, I've to keep knocking away at this, keep circling myself back around that circling thing called life--its loops and whirls, its spirals and springs. So yeah, maybe I'll bust out another entry on the things I was thinking about a few weeks back, which I recorded in the previously mentioned journal. I kinda' have a desire to keep these more personal sort of posts distinct from other posts, which is why I also won't label these posts--if I write enough, they'll be lost in the archives, and the actual material that I wish to explore will stand out through the tags. Whew, that was a longish sentence, heh.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Leaving
I'm leaving my hometown for a bit and heading to a different city for the next week. While there, I'll be trying to quit smoking, I'll probably drink much less, and there's gonna' be less (probably none) uh...self-medicating. Anyway, it'll be a bit of a journey for sure--I haven't been on one in quite some time--and, oh yeah, I won't have much access to the internet, which will also be a big change.
This comes at an interesting time when there have been several observable changes in the aspects/structures of reality that I'm personally acquainted with. One rather large change is that a popular occult site has shut down--one that's been running for many years now, and which I have participated in, although very scantly for the last couple years. At one point I used it as an outlet for some of the stuff I was working on a couple years ago before I kinda' crashed and stopped writing.
It's weird, 'cause I couldn't bring myself to write here for the last few days, and it was largely due to my last post, which is all abstract/philosophical. I didn't really intend for this blog to be only that, but once I wrote it, I felt like I had to write more in the same vein. And I mean, I likely will sooner or later, but I felt like I painted myself into a corner: in essence, I placed a set of limits and boundaries on the structure. And yeah, part of it felt like I had to live up to expectations--entirely self-imposed, apparently--of writing for an audience. But the whole point was to have this space so I could write for myself. So here I am, writing for myself.
Anyway, since I'm kinda' itching to write, but won't be doing so online, I've decided to get back to the pen and paper journaling that I have done off and on in the past--for some stretches much longer than others! So I started writing in a notebook I've had around for years, one I started to work on a magnum opus of mathematics in. It didn't get very far, heh. But I started writing and sketching in it the same night I also started this journal, so I reckon it's much like a companion space to this space, likely more intimate though.
So yeah, I might post a little more on here later tonight--something again more abstract, something I've been working on in the other book--or I might simply take those ideas on vacation with me and see what they look like when I get back.
This comes at an interesting time when there have been several observable changes in the aspects/structures of reality that I'm personally acquainted with. One rather large change is that a popular occult site has shut down--one that's been running for many years now, and which I have participated in, although very scantly for the last couple years. At one point I used it as an outlet for some of the stuff I was working on a couple years ago before I kinda' crashed and stopped writing.
It's weird, 'cause I couldn't bring myself to write here for the last few days, and it was largely due to my last post, which is all abstract/philosophical. I didn't really intend for this blog to be only that, but once I wrote it, I felt like I had to write more in the same vein. And I mean, I likely will sooner or later, but I felt like I painted myself into a corner: in essence, I placed a set of limits and boundaries on the structure. And yeah, part of it felt like I had to live up to expectations--entirely self-imposed, apparently--of writing for an audience. But the whole point was to have this space so I could write for myself. So here I am, writing for myself.
Anyway, since I'm kinda' itching to write, but won't be doing so online, I've decided to get back to the pen and paper journaling that I have done off and on in the past--for some stretches much longer than others! So I started writing in a notebook I've had around for years, one I started to work on a magnum opus of mathematics in. It didn't get very far, heh. But I started writing and sketching in it the same night I also started this journal, so I reckon it's much like a companion space to this space, likely more intimate though.
So yeah, I might post a little more on here later tonight--something again more abstract, something I've been working on in the other book--or I might simply take those ideas on vacation with me and see what they look like when I get back.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Structures And Etc.
We all live inside structures. There are many different types of structures: economic, social, political, religious, geographical...ah but with that last we blur a line a little don't we? The rest of the list is more, shall we say 'ethereal' (sometimes called 'paradigms'), but that last is more concrete, more physical. And we exist inside physical structures too--I exist inside the structure of this apartment, for instance; but we also exist in bodies, which are nothing more than a kind of biological structure, of which there are currently many different kinds of biological structures (although some scientists tell us there are many types of biological structures dying off with each passing day). All of which, as far as we can tell, are dependent on a handful of the same types of protein strains--but that's another story.
Robert Anton Wilson called paradigms 'reality tunnels'. The reality tunnel is a more versatile concept as it can be intimately personal as well as a representation of a larger group mind--a structure of people who have some similar set of ideas about interpreting experience. Ultimately, each person has a reality tunnel--a structured way of interacting with the world--and this reality tunnel generally shares many common elements with the tunnels of some other set of people.
Something interesting to note is that the whole of an individual reality tunnel need not be internally self-consistent. Indeed, like Lovecraft reckoned, if we could only put all of our experiences into relation, then we would go mad with the absurdity of it all! But in the meantime, we operate through our reliance on, and relation to, structures of meaning and of being; further, within the set of interpretations that compose our reality tunnel, we selectively choose (consciously--with intent--or otherwise) from possibly contradicting methods of relating to our experiences of being.
I'm writing about this so I can set up the fact that it is likely that I'll be discussing structures quite a bit over the course of this blog. I probably won't always call them structures though, but rather I'll discuss them by name, like 'Christianity', for example, or 'magick' or 'quantum mechanics'--or even something like 'the Calgary Tower'. The point being here is that structures of all variety or kind seem basic to human experience--not merely my experience, but everyone's experience--and that's what I want to start getting at again: everyone's experience.
Yeah, I'm probably one of the last of the "great system builders"--their time in philosophy has past in the shadow of modern philosophical thinking, at least, that's what I heard talk of around the department several years ago, back when I was on a campus and enrolled in the hallowed halls of academia. Their time has past, btw, because it is generally accepted that no one system (or structure) can hold up to all forms of philosophical critique. I mean, Godel's theorem applies to the seemingly most rigourous and formal of structures: mathematics, and it states that the structure of mathematics cannot verify its own truth. So if the most logically consistent structure cannot establish its own absolute reality (I'm slanting the interpretation here, yes), then how can the structures that make up any one being's reality tunnel--which are generally more sloppy and fuzzy than mathematics--be mutually self-consistent and collectively verify the over-arching structure of the reality tunnel's own absolute truth?
They can't. And I'm OK with that. We only need to recognize that a description or interpretation of experience must take this contradiction into account. We merely need to realize that we live in the reflection of some unnameable ultimate absurdity and all we can do is laugh. Without the laughter, as Lovecraft feared, we simply go mad.
Robert Anton Wilson called paradigms 'reality tunnels'. The reality tunnel is a more versatile concept as it can be intimately personal as well as a representation of a larger group mind--a structure of people who have some similar set of ideas about interpreting experience. Ultimately, each person has a reality tunnel--a structured way of interacting with the world--and this reality tunnel generally shares many common elements with the tunnels of some other set of people.
Something interesting to note is that the whole of an individual reality tunnel need not be internally self-consistent. Indeed, like Lovecraft reckoned, if we could only put all of our experiences into relation, then we would go mad with the absurdity of it all! But in the meantime, we operate through our reliance on, and relation to, structures of meaning and of being; further, within the set of interpretations that compose our reality tunnel, we selectively choose (consciously--with intent--or otherwise) from possibly contradicting methods of relating to our experiences of being.
I'm writing about this so I can set up the fact that it is likely that I'll be discussing structures quite a bit over the course of this blog. I probably won't always call them structures though, but rather I'll discuss them by name, like 'Christianity', for example, or 'magick' or 'quantum mechanics'--or even something like 'the Calgary Tower'. The point being here is that structures of all variety or kind seem basic to human experience--not merely my experience, but everyone's experience--and that's what I want to start getting at again: everyone's experience.
Yeah, I'm probably one of the last of the "great system builders"--their time in philosophy has past in the shadow of modern philosophical thinking, at least, that's what I heard talk of around the department several years ago, back when I was on a campus and enrolled in the hallowed halls of academia. Their time has past, btw, because it is generally accepted that no one system (or structure) can hold up to all forms of philosophical critique. I mean, Godel's theorem applies to the seemingly most rigourous and formal of structures: mathematics, and it states that the structure of mathematics cannot verify its own truth. So if the most logically consistent structure cannot establish its own absolute reality (I'm slanting the interpretation here, yes), then how can the structures that make up any one being's reality tunnel--which are generally more sloppy and fuzzy than mathematics--be mutually self-consistent and collectively verify the over-arching structure of the reality tunnel's own absolute truth?
They can't. And I'm OK with that. We only need to recognize that a description or interpretation of experience must take this contradiction into account. We merely need to realize that we live in the reflection of some unnameable ultimate absurdity and all we can do is laugh. Without the laughter, as Lovecraft feared, we simply go mad.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Begend
I need a space to begin again. To simply think and write about thoughts without attempting to woo an audience, and I hope without too much self-censor as this is certainly a beastie I need to overcome. But I don't really want to say "overcome" because it implies a battle, well, at least in a way. So it's kinda' like that, but more a sort of "see through" or "move beyond" or something like that too.
Whatever it is, I feel like I really want to start writing again, which really means to start thinking again. Not that I've ever stopped thinking, but I mean thinking deeply, with creativity and passion. And I don't want to feel like I'm trying to spread something, like I need this to be shared with others. I guess I mean I simply want some space of my own, without the burden of trying to get others to understand.
And I guess there's a confession in there too, because the last time I really got into trying to reach out to others through writing and thought, well, I feel like I made lots of promises and commitments that I didn't keep. Some to myself and some to others. So there's a certain sense of guilt that goes along with expressing creative thoughts and ideas. And I'm beginning to feel that it's time to forgive myself for not being able to follow through with past projects and commitments that were connected to creative expression.
I really need to move on.
So yeah, "Begend." The beginning and the end rolled into one. The end of something brings the beginning of something else, which will in turn end to bring about something else. This is the way of things, and I want to get back to thinking about, expressing, but most of all living, "the way of things." I'm not entirely sure what that means right now--mostly with regard to the living part, but feeling a yearning to try and figure it out, yet again.
I guess this means this journal is to record some sort of journey--well mostly anyway. To rediscover and renew what currently lies mostly dormant. If I was being all artsy or whatever in my writing I'd express it like this:
Re: New
Re: Discover
And there's so much stirring in my head that I'm working on. Much of it is past works and ideas bubbling with fresh insight. I guess it makes sense that I really had to kind of die to get here. I had to end to start again. And if there isn't a whole lot of life experience that goes along with that--yuck! But see, that's part of it. The old turning shit into gold routine of alchemy. And this is what I want to get back to, to renew, to begend again, the alchemy of existence--specifically my existence as that's the only experiencing I can know--which is universal to any experiencing thing, so I'm not simply being self-centered or conceited here:
It all begends with an I.
Whatever it is, I feel like I really want to start writing again, which really means to start thinking again. Not that I've ever stopped thinking, but I mean thinking deeply, with creativity and passion. And I don't want to feel like I'm trying to spread something, like I need this to be shared with others. I guess I mean I simply want some space of my own, without the burden of trying to get others to understand.
And I guess there's a confession in there too, because the last time I really got into trying to reach out to others through writing and thought, well, I feel like I made lots of promises and commitments that I didn't keep. Some to myself and some to others. So there's a certain sense of guilt that goes along with expressing creative thoughts and ideas. And I'm beginning to feel that it's time to forgive myself for not being able to follow through with past projects and commitments that were connected to creative expression.
I really need to move on.
So yeah, "Begend." The beginning and the end rolled into one. The end of something brings the beginning of something else, which will in turn end to bring about something else. This is the way of things, and I want to get back to thinking about, expressing, but most of all living, "the way of things." I'm not entirely sure what that means right now--mostly with regard to the living part, but feeling a yearning to try and figure it out, yet again.
I guess this means this journal is to record some sort of journey--well mostly anyway. To rediscover and renew what currently lies mostly dormant. If I was being all artsy or whatever in my writing I'd express it like this:
Re: New
Re: Discover
And there's so much stirring in my head that I'm working on. Much of it is past works and ideas bubbling with fresh insight. I guess it makes sense that I really had to kind of die to get here. I had to end to start again. And if there isn't a whole lot of life experience that goes along with that--yuck! But see, that's part of it. The old turning shit into gold routine of alchemy. And this is what I want to get back to, to renew, to begend again, the alchemy of existence--specifically my existence as that's the only experiencing I can know--which is universal to any experiencing thing, so I'm not simply being self-centered or conceited here:
It all begends with an I.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
